Aug. 11, 2024

Jason Harris on Honoring Loved Ones

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Can planning a funeral be as intricate and meaningful as planning a wedding? Join us for a thought-provoking conversation with Jason Harris, a seasoned grief support counselor and certified celebrant with over 35 years in ministry. Jason unpacks his remarkable journey into the funeral business, offering invaluable insights into the necessity of prearranged funeral insurance. Our discussion highlights how these preparations can ease the emotional and logistical burdens on families, drawing parallels between the time-sensitive planning of weddings and funerals.

We share a poignant tribute to a beloved friend who was a karaoke enthusiast, fondly recalling his signature performance of "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. Delve into the heartfelt process of celebrating his life at the very karaoke venue where he created lasting memories with friends. Jason introduces a touching tradition of personalized matchboxes, which serve as tangible reminders to stay connected with grieving families, ensuring that support extends beyond the immediate aftermath of loss, particularly during those tough firsts without their loved one.

Discover the power of Snap Bands, adorned with uplifting mantra words, to combat stress and depression in times of grief. Jason also opens up about the emotional challenges of his work, sharing stories filled with both humor and heartache. From crafting personalized eulogies to remembering loved ones through shared anecdotes, Jason's approach transforms somber occasions into communal celebrations of life. Listen as we explore how small but meaningful traditions and reflections on life's lessons can provide comfort and hope, making the journey through grief a little lighter.

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Love & Light - Keep Hope Alive

Chapters

00:02 - Celebrant

10:31 - Celebrating Life Beyond Funerals

23:52 - Hopeful Snap Bands and Celebrants Certification

30:17 - Remembering Loved One, Celebratory Memories

36:48 - Life Celebrations and Lasting Memories

42:23 - Celebration of Life and Memories

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Keep Hope Alive podcast.

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Today we have a very special guest.

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His name is Jason Harris, and he's been in ministry for over 35 years.

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He is a grief support counselor, and a good one at that.

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I was learning a little bit about him before the show started, but I can't wait for him to share his story, so welcome.

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Thank you so much, Nadine.

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I'm excited about being here.

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Thank you for inviting me.

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Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome.

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So, really quick, before we get started, I'm going to ask you just a silly question, and it's all about weddings how many weddings have you been to in the past 15 years?

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gosh, if that past decade and a half, I'd say probably about I don't know, seven or eight seven or eight, okay.

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So let's say you're going to a wedding and you're walking into the ceremony part.

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There's usually something there to sign to let the bride and groom know you were there.

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What are you signing?

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The last two or three that I've been to, they have the mat and the picture frame that they ask people to sign.

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Yeah, I mean there's registry books, but that's the one that's fixed.

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Yeah, yeah, definitely so.

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The registry books and the picture frame.

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I've seen all of them.

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Life on Record is one of our biggest sponsors here for Keep Hope Alive and what they do.

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Instead of the book they have a vintage phone they put out there so your guests will come up to the vintage phone, pick it up and leave a message.

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I call it the gift of voice you're getting so you may hear congratulations on your wedding.

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You guys are the cutest couple.

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We're so happy for the both of you.

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Or maybe it's a groomsman picking it up.

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It's about time you got a nice ring for her and put it on her finger.

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You know, but when I say weddings, it can go for birthdays, reunions, any kind of event.

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Now, when they bring this vintage phone out to you, they will also have a QR code right next to it.

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So if you didn't want to wait in line to pick up the fun phone, you can just do it before or after the event and log in your congratulations.

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So what they do after all these messages are collected, they will either put it on a 12-inch vinyl record or put it in a keepsake.

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I call it the boom box.

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It's a speaker, so when you're like.

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Maybe you're celebrating a one-year anniversary, you can go back and listen to all your friends and family congratulating you.

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I know I used it last year and it was for my son's football team.

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One of the kids he broke his leg, so all the boys got together and one girl.

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I have to add that one girl she's so sweet, but they left a message for him to get better, so this can be used in so many different ways.

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Now you get the phone number for one year.

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Unfortunately, you got to return that vintage phone that is so cute.

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And then also, even if it was a wedding, I think it's kind of cool because you could call before their one-year anniversary and be like happy anniversary too.

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So you get that collected as well.

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So with the plan starting at $99 for the year, that is a good price point you cannot beat for such a creative, fun way to do your events.

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For more information on them, you can visit wwwlifeonrecordcom.

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All right.

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Well, let's get started.

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Jason, who is Jason Harris?

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All right?

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Well, let's get started, jason, who is Jason Harris?

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Well, yes, I do grief support counseling, but what I'm more known for right now is I'm a certified celebrant, and a lot of people have never heard that term.

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Actually, I had not until I became one, even though I've been doing the work of one.

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I've been working in the funeral business for about 11 or 12 years and the way I kind of morphed into this role, I started just selling prearranged funeral insurance, pre-need funeral insurance, which everyone listening you should have, that you should prearrange your funeral.

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And the reason is we never know when we're going to die.

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We never know when we're going to go, and if something suddenly happens to me, I don't want my kids to have to, you know, get together and agree on all of the funeral arrangements and everything else Very, very stressful.

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And I understand that you're a wedding planner, and what is the average time that most couples in America use to plan for their wedding?

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What's?

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What is the?

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I want to say about six to eight months and sometimes longer.

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I mean, it's just you know, if they have a long engagement, yeah, Six to 18 months is what I've heard and it can be a while.

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And when you think about wedding typically has three parts.

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It has the rehearsal dinner and sometimes the bachelorette party and the bachelor party.

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Has the rehearsal dinner and sometimes the bachelorette party and the bachelor party, but the rehearsal dinner and then the actual ceremony itself and a reception that follows.

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Well, a funeral many times has a visitation the night before it has the main event and there's usually a reception that follows or a graveside service, depending on the situation.

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People don't get six to eight months to plan for a funeral, for a life celebration.

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They get about two or three hours in a funeral director's office and about two or three days before the event actually starts.

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If people are scrambling around trying to find pictures and contact everyone and see if everyone can drop what they're doing to come to Uncle Jim's funeral or whatever, and that's incredibly fresh, you know it's stressful and that's incredibly fresh.

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You know it's stressful.

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So I was doing that, became very good at what I did and I continue advancing in the company I was serving at the time and became the East Texas market sales manager.

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So now my job was to help build relationship like 50 funeral homes across East Texas.

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It was over 50 funeral homes, and what I found out was that this is a very tight knit fraternity.

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Funeral directors know each other, and one day one of the funeral directors said we have a family this week.

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They don't have a pastor.

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Do you think you could do the service?

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Because they knew I had a ministry background.

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I'd be happy to.

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I just like to meet with the family, and so I did.

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And it went well, actually the service went really well.

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And so then one funeral director told another funeral director, who told another funeral director, and before I knew it I was starting to be asked to do a lot of funerals for people that I never knew.

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See, when I was a pastor and many pastors, they're just the go-to guy.

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If somebody in the church dies, right, and so somebody's grandmother dies, they go to the First Baptist Church or Lutheran or whatever it is they naturally ask their pastor could you do the service?

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And that pastor does, by reading an obituary that's handed to him and then he talks about heaven for about 20 minutes.

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And the reason for that, nadine, is that pastors are not taught how to do funerals.

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And this never really occurred to me until I looked at it in hindsight, and what I mean by that.

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When I was in, I went to five years of Bible college.

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I squeezed a four-year degree into five because I transferred from another university, and then I went to three years getting my master's degree at a seminary in North Carolina, and in those eight years of preacher training, if you will, I had exactly one lecture, not one class, not one course one lecture about funerals.

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And that seems astounding to me.

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And so I began asking other pastors hey, when you were in seminary, how much training did you get on doing funerals?

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Their answer always the same well, it seems like there was this lecture and so.

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But we don't want to give them too hard of a time, you know this.

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We've kind of set an expectation that a funeral is just going to be the sad, morose, somber occasion where everyone dresses in black and they come and then some minister gets up and he shifts into reverend.

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I don't know why they do this.

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What I mean by that is they'll get real serious and they'll change their voice and they'll say something like we are gathered here today and it's like why are you talking like Lurch all of a sudden, and it is.

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It's just sort of a sad sort of situation.

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Yeah, I, on the other hand, started being asked to do funerals all the time for people that I've never met.

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So how am I going to celebrate their life if I didn't know them?

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Well, I developed five questions, and so, at the development of these five questions, if I can ask as many questions or as many people, these five questions as possible, and when I will do a family intake, where I get with the family, I'll hand them the questions, we'll talk about the questions and then I'll encourage them.

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Hey, if you want to share these on your social media, any answers that you harvest between now and the service time, whenever that is, get them to me and then I work them.

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They're writing my eulogy and they don't even know it, and so then it becomes a very interactive, very participatory service and to this day, I still have people come up to me after a service, especially older people.

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I love it when old people come up to me and say son, I've been going to funerals for 60 years and I've never seen or heard anything like what I just saw and heard.

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In there, I have funeral directors tell me all the time Jason, we've never heard so much laughter coming out of our chapel.

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What are you doing in there?

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Are you telling jokes or what?

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And I'm not.

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It's really just the answers to these questions and I have fun with it, and so you can say I put the fun in funeral, I put the F-U-N in funeral.

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Yeah, that is awesome.

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I mean to hear laughter and you know everybody grieves, it's hard time.

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But if you can also talk about the good times when somebody passes, if it's mom, also talk about the good times when somebody passes if it's mom, dad, uncle, brother, sister, whoever it may be.

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But they, you know, I always say, pretend they're right there at the funeral, they're watching you have this funeral.

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So what would they want to hear?

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You know, for me, I'll use me as an example.

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I love karaoke, okay so oh love karaoke Okay.

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So, oh, that's good, that's really good.

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My friend, he passed away at age 86 and he would always go to karaoke with me and he would sing.

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I did it my way, but at his funeral we call it a celebration of life at the karaoke place that he met everybody and we all got up on stage and sang.

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I did it my way.

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But it's funny because every time I come into my bedroom I will be like I can't say it or it's going to come on right now, but the girl's name.

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That is a machine and I'm like you know, play Frank.

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Sinatra, and it always pops up.

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I did it my way and I'm like are you kidding me?

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I was like, okay, well, this is good.

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I take it as a good sign.

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You know he's by watching over me, you know making sure I do things right in the world, but it's those little things.

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Like I'm a photographer, of course I'm going to want my photography.

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Look at the podcast.

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You know I'm helping people around the world.

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I want that talked about too, but I also want people to reflect on that.

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If they cry yes, I learned from you they can cry.

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Yeah, as a matter of fact, one of the things that sets me apart from anybody else that's doing funerals that I know of, because everyone tells me they've never seen this before, and I did come up with it about five years ago, and I'm going to shamelessly advertise my book real quick.

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I wrote a book about four years ago called Good Grief Celebrates your Life, and there's a lot I could say about the book itself, but the ninth chapter was my favorite chapter to write.

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It was the one I had the most fun writing, and the ninth chapter's title is called Lessons from a Hobbit, a Grief Dog and a Box of Matches, and people always.

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Yeah, exactly the way you just expressed.

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Right, there is like what hurts?

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What on earth are you talking about?

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And all three of those are illustrations of the importance of people staying on the journey with the family beyond the funeral.

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Because I want to tell your audience something that you may or may not understand is the majority of families feel abandoned after a funeral, and the reason is because we have the grief support system flipped on its head.

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Everybody shows up to the funeral to get their arms around the family and say I'm sorry for your loss, and they hug their neck.

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Tell me, is there anything I can do and that feels a little disingenuous to the family because nobody ever really means it, even though they're saying it and so something I started doing about five years ago, and I have an example with me here.

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These are the matchboxes.

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In fact, this is the one that I used a week ago today.

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The guy who's on here, his name is Carl Davidson Hudson I'm sorry, carl David Hudson and on the back of his matchbox, as a matter of fact you see here, he loved karaoke and so I put a little karaoke microphone.

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He loved his comfort, he collected star wars stuff, so we got a tie fighter and x-wing fighter and then a couple of his nicknames, a couple of terms of endearment dr hookup, bear, baby, and his date of birth.

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And when he passed is on there as well.

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The reason I make these matches little 32 box kitchen matchboxes.

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I can get these at Walmart for 10 packs, for a dollar, 97 cents in fact, and so I'll make 70 or 80 of these and at the end of his service I'll get up and I'll say on behalf of the family I want to thank all of you for coming to Carl's service today, but I'm going to tell you something you may or may not know.

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They don't really know that you're here today.

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The family doesn't really know that you're here today and the reason I say that is because they don't.

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They're kind of in a fog, they can't believe he's really gone and they're still in that denial phase.

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The reason the funeral director gives the family a book with everyone's signature in it is because if they ever open that again, they will go through the pages saying, oh wow, I don't remember that person being there.

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I couldn't remember that person being there because they don't, they're in a fog and there's exceptions to every rule, of course.

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But let me get back to the matchbox.

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So I'll say I want you to take one of these matchboxes home with you and put it in your kitchen junk drawer, because I know you got one.

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In fact, some of you listening have three.

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That's okay, put it in your favorite one.

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The reason I want you to do that is throughout the year, as this family, as his wife, specifically, pam, is going through all of her first first anniversary without Carl.

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First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, father's Day, first, first, first, first.

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They're all firsts.

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That's when everybody's gone, that's when all of the family and the friends that came to the funeral.

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They leave, they disappear after a couple of weeks.

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It's about two weeks after a service that the real grief, the first tsunami just knocks them off their feet and gets through that numbness Throughout the year.

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When you go to light birthday candles for a child or dinner candles and you just need a match, or if you're going to light a fire in the fireplace or a barbecue grill outside or anything like that, or if you're just going for a pair of scissors or a roll of tape out of that junk drawer in your kitchen and you roll that out and see Carl looking up at you.

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You don't need these to remember Carl.

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Of course we're all going to remember Carl, yeah, but reach out to his wife and say, hey, this is all I want you to say.

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Remember the match boxes the weird bald guy gave us at Carl's funeral.

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I don't remember his name, but look, all I want you to know is we use those matches today and we're really missing.

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You know, I can't pass a karaoke bar without thinking about Carl and I warned him.

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I said, look, if you're planning on saying something stupid, you don't get a matchbox, because there's lots of stupid things that people say to grieving people.

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Mainly Because there's lots of stupid things that people say to grieving people, mainly because we don't know any better.

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No-transcript.

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At least he lived 63 years, or at least he's in a better place, or at least God won't give you more than you can handle, or any of those things.

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These are things that we've picked up along the way, that we think is going to put a silver lining on the cloud of grief that's over them, and that's not what they need.

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They don't need that.

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What they need the reason I wrote the book Nadine is because these five questions have served far beyond just writing a eulogy for someone that I didn't know, and I discovered this organically about three months after I started using these questions.

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I was flying somewhere on an airplane, and it's better to fly in an airplane than just you know, without one airplane, and it's better to fly in an airplane than just you know without one.

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And so if you're sitting next to me on a plane, I'm that guy, I'm that guy that you know we're going to be friends before we leave the gate.

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And so this lady next to me I'm asking her are you coming or going?

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Where are you from?

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What do you do All those things.

00:17:41.667 --> 00:17:46.422
And when she reciprocated and said well, what do you do, jason?

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I said well, it's going to sound a little funny, a little strange, but my passion is speaking at funerals and helping families celebrate the life of their loved one, but my real passion is grief, support.

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And as soon as I said that and this is always true 99% of the time she immediately came back with someone that she lost.

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She said Jason, where were you two years ago when my mother died?

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I said really I'm sorry to hear that your mother died.

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And what naturally fell out of my mouth very organically was do you mind if I ask you a few questions about your mom?

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And you know, no one ever says to me no, I don't want to talk about her.

00:18:23.060 --> 00:18:26.471
They're like, sure, fire away.

00:18:27.019 --> 00:18:33.336
Because what's so counterintuitive here and please hear this people need to talk about the person they lost.

00:18:33.336 --> 00:18:35.541
They want to talk about the person they lost.

00:18:35.541 --> 00:18:43.615
Everyone shuts down when they're the person they lost is brought up because they're afraid they're going to be uncomfortable with your grief.

00:18:43.615 --> 00:18:45.200
They're going to be afraid that you're going to.

00:18:45.200 --> 00:18:46.633
What if I make you cry?

00:18:46.633 --> 00:18:47.695
What if you get sad?

00:18:47.695 --> 00:18:49.300
What am I going to do if that happens?

00:18:49.300 --> 00:18:51.313
And so a lot of people here.

00:18:51.713 --> 00:18:53.257
I lost my mother two years ago.

00:18:53.257 --> 00:18:55.982
They go oh well, I'm sorry, how about them cowboys?

00:18:55.982 --> 00:18:59.979
And they'll change the subject and it's like let's talk about something different.

00:18:59.979 --> 00:19:02.890
So when I asked, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

00:19:02.890 --> 00:19:07.277
And she said, sure, that'd be great, I use these same five questions.

00:19:07.277 --> 00:19:11.971
And by the end of it we'd been laughing together and then we were crying together.

00:19:11.971 --> 00:19:26.806
And you know, about three hours after we landed I got a text message and I didn't recognize the number because I didn't put her in my phone, but she had my number and the message simply says you have no idea how much I needed that, thank you.

00:19:26.806 --> 00:19:32.953
And I thought, wow, I may be on to something here.

00:19:32.973 --> 00:19:39.621
I need to write this stuff down and it gave birth to the book, along with two other applications to the questions, besides sitting by someone on the plane.

00:19:42.252 --> 00:19:43.634
So I got to read your book.

00:19:43.634 --> 00:19:46.259
I want to, so yeah.

00:19:46.601 --> 00:19:48.304
Audible too, as read by the author.

00:19:48.304 --> 00:19:52.836
Thank God, I always ask that I'm just like is it on Audible?

00:19:52.896 --> 00:20:01.617
Because I noticed I'm more of put my AirPods in, lay down, rest and listen to a good storybook or whatever.

00:20:01.617 --> 00:20:05.310
You know that I'm intrigued with yeah.

00:20:05.310 --> 00:20:06.915
Oh, you will.

00:20:07.356 --> 00:20:08.520
Yes, it's me reading it to you.

00:20:09.913 --> 00:20:12.057
Yay, yeah, definitely, I'm going to find it.

00:20:12.057 --> 00:20:14.162
Then I will make that my next.

00:20:14.162 --> 00:20:19.337
Well, I have one book ahead of you, okay, but then I'll make it my second read.

00:20:19.337 --> 00:20:32.674
But, yeah, definitely, man, I'm just like in awe because of what you do is so helpful and at the same time, I know grieving.

00:20:32.674 --> 00:20:44.541
But you're bringing that I want to call it a sparkle of hope and joy and you're going to help them reflect on those good memories that they have too.

00:20:44.541 --> 00:20:48.335
So I mean, I've talked to other people on my podcast.

00:20:48.335 --> 00:20:56.623
They have written books about grief and you know what are some of the best exercise to go through that process and everything.

00:20:57.611 --> 00:21:00.055
When I'm talking to you, I'm hearing.

00:21:00.055 --> 00:21:02.097
You're the person there.

00:21:02.097 --> 00:21:10.792
You're talking to people and doing their ceremony for their celebration of life.

00:21:10.792 --> 00:21:14.556
You know her when they their celebration of life.

00:21:14.556 --> 00:21:22.480
But you've taken that extra step to really get to know that person's quirks, which is great.

00:21:22.480 --> 00:21:46.311
So, like I mentioned, you know mine or whoever's, but you know going there and saying, yeah, even if it was a karaoke thing, you remember that day she messed up on one song about send me an angel right now or something, but she could sing guns and roses like really, really good, but it's those little things.

00:21:46.311 --> 00:21:57.882
Um, I've always looked into a roast and I know that sounds weird right now, but it is kind of like a celebration, bringing back the memories, the good memories.

00:21:57.882 --> 00:22:07.430
You could call it something else, you know it doesn't, but in that concept too, maybe it's before you know the ceremony the day before.

00:22:08.133 --> 00:22:09.478
It's almost how they feel.

00:22:09.478 --> 00:22:11.797
It almost feels like a roast in a way, believe it or not.

00:22:12.638 --> 00:22:53.200
Yeah, so I just I know the process is shorter too because you, my friend, okay, I'm not going to cry, okay, well, it's almost been like two years now, but she's not with us anymore and I would talk to her all the time, like every day at five o'clock, and we've always talked about wanting to be heard, hence being heard with Keep Hope Alive is born all of a sudden, so, but you know it's weird because she's on the other side, but I'm hoping she knows what I'm doing to carry on her legacy too.

00:22:53.200 --> 00:23:11.757
So, whether it was relationships or children or dogs in general, or medications, because we both go through chronic pain, we always had something to talk about, learn from, and it was the most enjoyable conversations I've ever had.

00:23:11.757 --> 00:23:17.164
But, like, I couldn't get to Indianapolis for her funeral and I felt so bad.

00:23:17.164 --> 00:23:24.723
But now, like with live streaming, do you do that also live streaming with some of the funerals?

00:23:25.430 --> 00:23:29.942
Yes, that's usually based on the funeral home's ability to do so, but yeah, many times they will.

00:23:30.789 --> 00:23:38.324
Yeah, I have a friend who helps out with live streaming, so what he does is very important in my eyes too.

00:23:38.324 --> 00:23:46.663
But yeah, definitely I love also how you know on the back of the matches you do that.

00:23:46.663 --> 00:23:52.214
I mean, for me it'd be like lighting a candle each time, maybe with the match go.

00:23:52.214 --> 00:23:57.118
This is for you, you know, but just little things like that.

00:23:57.118 --> 00:24:04.002
So, but really quick, I got to break into a quick little sponsor commercial.

00:24:04.002 --> 00:24:08.218
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00:24:08.289 --> 00:24:15.023
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00:24:15.023 --> 00:24:19.313
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00:24:19.313 --> 00:24:20.275
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00:24:28.618 --> 00:24:32.407
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00:24:32.708 --> 00:24:42.421
There are so many different mantra words, but the great thing about this, this is a cognitive way to help reduce stress, depression, ptsd.

00:24:42.421 --> 00:24:48.499
With the gentle tug of this band against your wrist, it helps send a signal up to your brain.

00:24:48.499 --> 00:24:56.502
And what I always do and I can prove now because I was just in the hospital I've always prayed for all my nurses.

00:24:56.502 --> 00:25:03.878
I hope and pray that they can find a vein, because usually it's hard.

00:25:03.878 --> 00:25:06.680
I was just in the hospital, let's see.

00:25:06.680 --> 00:25:08.537
Yeah, I was just in the hospital.

00:25:08.537 --> 00:25:10.998
That is what I'm praying.

00:25:10.998 --> 00:25:12.737
I do not want to happen.

00:25:12.737 --> 00:25:18.830
So I'm literally always praying over who has to take that shot and find the vein.

00:25:18.830 --> 00:25:23.881
But, with that being said, it does help.

00:25:23.881 --> 00:25:29.438
I've been wearing mine for like eight or nine months now and just it kind of relieves that.

00:25:29.438 --> 00:25:34.516
I'm going to put my brain set in a different thought process to help relieve it too.

00:25:35.157 --> 00:25:42.461
So with Snap Bands they come in all different colors, all different mantra words they do help.

00:25:42.461 --> 00:25:49.345
All proceeds will go to one of the charities that help people with depression and stuff like that.

00:25:49.345 --> 00:25:58.397
But to find out more information about them you can go to wwwsnapbandscom and let me spell that out also.

00:25:58.397 --> 00:26:02.878
It's S-N-A-P-P-B-A-N-D-Zcom.

00:26:02.878 --> 00:26:14.098
And also for Jason, while I'm talking to him, if you ever have any questions, I do have a call number.

00:26:19.750 --> 00:26:19.990
Questions.

00:26:19.990 --> 00:26:20.732
I do have a call number.

00:26:20.732 --> 00:26:26.346
You can call in and ask them questions at 833-780-HOPE, which I believe is 4673.

00:26:26.346 --> 00:26:26.866
Yeah, I think so.

00:26:26.866 --> 00:26:27.628
Don't quote me on that one.

00:26:27.628 --> 00:26:31.195
But definitely you can always reach out to us there.

00:26:31.195 --> 00:26:36.952
There's also on the website a little place to leave a voicemail too, and we'll get those answered for you.

00:26:36.952 --> 00:26:52.836
So I want to go back into everything Now the book people can go and find your book, like on Amazon or your website, okay, and then I'm going to be adding it to the website here for under the store location.

00:26:52.836 --> 00:26:59.816
So if you're watching this, go to keephopealivepodcastcom and go to the store link and you'll be able to find it.

00:26:59.816 --> 00:27:15.257
So, but when you named it Good Grief and every time I hear Good Grief I always think Charlie Brown, I'm sure people tell you that all the time Well, and I was a little sad.

00:27:15.329 --> 00:27:24.938
The reason I added the subtitle Celebrate your Life, good Grief, celebrate your Life is there was already a book out there called Good Grief and it made me sad because I thought that was my idea.

00:27:24.938 --> 00:27:27.471
But you know, I guess there's nothing new under the sun.

00:27:27.471 --> 00:27:30.681
So that's why I had to add a subtitle Celebrate your Life.

00:27:32.109 --> 00:27:34.114
Well, I understand about subtitles.

00:27:34.114 --> 00:27:43.940
Keep keep hope alive was taken for podcasts, but my name is very uncommon, so by nadine, so that's how you find it really quick too.

00:27:43.940 --> 00:27:45.423
So, but it's picking up.

00:27:45.423 --> 00:27:48.553
I think it's jesse jackson.

00:27:48.553 --> 00:27:53.699
I think there is another jesse guy out there with keep Hope Alive and stuff.

00:27:53.699 --> 00:28:01.435
But as I get more views and more subscribers and stuff, we're coming along and we got this.

00:28:01.435 --> 00:28:09.273
And what I love about this podcast is people want to be heard and share their hope stories, which is amazing.

00:28:09.273 --> 00:28:16.885
So now, 35 years of ministry and going to school, I mean that's a lot.

00:28:16.885 --> 00:28:19.799
My son said he wants to become a minister.

00:28:19.799 --> 00:28:26.923
So I was just like but he's like, I want to do pro football and then be a children's minister.

00:28:26.923 --> 00:28:31.601
And so in my head is like, does he start going to school for that now?

00:28:31.601 --> 00:28:35.674
So I got to figure all that stuff out.

00:28:37.980 --> 00:28:46.182
I'm actually rolling out a training course, a one day training course, to certify celebrants, anyone that would like to learn to do what I do.

00:28:46.182 --> 00:28:53.232
I believe I could teach them in an afternoon or in a day, like from nine to three, and I'm going to start making that more available like on podcast.

00:28:53.232 --> 00:28:55.445
Well, not podcast, but like webinars.

00:28:55.445 --> 00:28:57.150
Going to start making that more available like on podcast.

00:28:57.150 --> 00:28:58.252
Well, not podcast, but uh, like webinars.

00:28:58.252 --> 00:28:59.556
Yeah, that's, that's going on behind the scenes right now.

00:28:59.556 --> 00:29:11.933
Uh, trying to roll that out soon, uh because, but just as surely as ministers have not been trained to do funerals, people in general have not been trained to do grief support.

00:29:12.675 --> 00:29:17.673
Uh, I mean yeah, you didn't have a class in high school on what to say to grieving people.

00:29:18.253 --> 00:29:22.286
No one yeah, nobody has yeah it's so awkward.

00:29:22.767 --> 00:29:29.810
And one thing if you don't mind this is very spontaneous and this is live on the air and if you don't feel vulnerable enough to do this.

00:29:29.810 --> 00:29:33.700
But I wonder if we could, if I could, ask you the questions about your friend who passed.

00:29:35.002 --> 00:29:35.904
Yeah, go ahead.

00:29:36.911 --> 00:29:37.814
First of all, what was her name?

00:29:37.814 --> 00:29:41.415
Charity Charity, what a beautiful name.

00:29:41.415 --> 00:29:46.075
Okay, well, the first question I asked the family is what did you call Charity?

00:29:46.075 --> 00:29:49.058
Did you always just call her Charity or did you have any nicknames for her?

00:29:50.290 --> 00:29:51.957
I call her Chair Bear.

00:29:51.957 --> 00:29:52.759
She didn't know.

00:29:52.759 --> 00:29:57.393
I never called her Bear in front of her chair.

00:29:57.393 --> 00:29:59.815
Be like Chair, don't do that.

00:29:59.815 --> 00:30:02.176
So that was the fun part.

00:30:02.176 --> 00:30:07.861
But then you know, coming down here in Texas like hey girl, what's up?

00:30:07.861 --> 00:30:12.325
That's our thing you know, so she was called that.

00:30:12.325 --> 00:30:14.445
You know the chair.

00:30:14.445 --> 00:30:16.147
I love calling her chair.

00:30:17.491 --> 00:30:25.785
Well the reason I asked that question right out of the gate is because most ministers are handed an obituary with an obituary name.

00:30:25.785 --> 00:30:31.692
Like if someone would have spoken to my grandmother's funeral 25 years ago and talked about Mabel Lee Harris, that would not connect with that at all.

00:30:31.692 --> 00:30:35.276
Mabel Lee Harris and my brain, that would not connect with that at all.

00:30:35.276 --> 00:30:37.417
I'd be like who is he been talking about?

00:30:37.417 --> 00:30:38.960
Because that's not what I.

00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:42.483
I didn't call my grandmother by her name, I called her Mamaw.

00:30:42.483 --> 00:30:44.286
In fact that was my term of endearment.

00:30:44.286 --> 00:30:56.871
Mamaw means chocolate covered tea cakes and it means you know, train wreck ballads and Froggy won a court and little brown jug and all the stories she told and all that.

00:30:56.871 --> 00:30:59.175
It comes flooding in with that name of familiarity and so charity.

00:30:59.175 --> 00:31:09.843
But you called her chair, or sometimes chair bear, maybe not to her face, but yeah, I want to know any terms of endearment and and uh and so so any kind of nicknames.

00:31:09.843 --> 00:31:32.625
And so what happens is, after I've gathered everyone's answers, when it comes time for the funeral itself, when the life celebration is what I like to call it is, then it becomes very participatory and I and I tell people we're going to use our imagination today and not think of the place where we're sitting as a funeral home, chapel or a church, rather a giant living room.

00:31:32.625 --> 00:31:37.836
We're all in a big living room together and we're going to sit living room together and we're going to sit around with this family and we're going to celebrate charity.

00:31:37.836 --> 00:31:40.779
We're going to and I'll use an illustration.

00:31:41.750 --> 00:32:00.111
This is very timely because everybody, the Olympics are still going on, but have you ever seen an Olympic athlete and let's say, like Ledecky, for example, who's just crushed everyone in swimming, when she wins a gold medal, she doesn't look over the judges and say why don't you just put that medal in a box and mail it to me?

00:32:00.111 --> 00:32:00.992
Here's my address.

00:32:00.992 --> 00:32:13.259
No, we have a ceremony and in that ceremony we place that athlete on the highest of three platforms and we put that medal around her neck, we raise the banner of our country and we play the anthem.

00:32:13.259 --> 00:32:17.933
And if you look close at her face and most people in a medal ceremony, you notice there's crying.

00:32:17.933 --> 00:32:18.674
There are tears.

00:32:18.674 --> 00:32:23.023
Yeah, yeah, they're not sad because the race is over.

00:32:23.023 --> 00:32:25.273
You see they're.

00:32:25.273 --> 00:32:37.343
They're crying because of all the hard work and the people that they love and have supported them the most are out there saying look what you did, look what you accomplished.

00:32:37.930 --> 00:32:42.582
That is what a celebration of life is all about, it's supposed to be.

00:32:42.582 --> 00:33:01.708
And I will even say look, this is her platform and you are her banner, you are her anthem, and so we are going to celebrate her today, are going to celebrate her today, and so, after I've shared the answers of what other people called her, I said does anybody else out there know of any nicknames that she had?

00:33:01.708 --> 00:33:12.074
And the family sometimes learns things now because a couple of classmates may have said we called her a love child or whatever, because her name's Charity who knows?

00:33:12.074 --> 00:33:20.478
But it doesn't get very open like that until the second question, the second question that I would ask you.

00:33:20.478 --> 00:33:23.791
If you could describe Charity with only one word, what would it be?

00:33:23.791 --> 00:33:25.434
Charity was what?

00:33:26.317 --> 00:33:26.938
Creative.

00:33:27.519 --> 00:33:28.840
Okay, that's good.

00:33:28.840 --> 00:33:31.712
Yeah, the first word that came to your mind.

00:33:31.712 --> 00:33:36.654
You know that I can ask 10 different family members that question during an intake with a family.

00:33:36.654 --> 00:33:38.720
I can even ask them to write it down.

00:33:38.720 --> 00:33:46.435
Write down your answer, and then they write it all down and then I go around the room Okay, read your answer and I will literally get 10 different answers.

00:33:46.435 --> 00:33:46.977
Almost.

00:33:46.977 --> 00:33:55.844
Yes, you will Sometimes there will be, and they're all right, they're all accurate, but it's but I so much appreciated about this person.

00:33:55.844 --> 00:33:58.417
This is who they were to me.

00:34:00.171 --> 00:34:05.781
And so after I've shared those answers, then I could say now, what are we leaving out?

00:34:05.781 --> 00:34:06.624
Just raise your hand.

00:34:06.624 --> 00:34:10.478
I'm not asking for a speech, I'm asking for one word, just shout it out.

00:34:10.478 --> 00:34:20.416
And then it's like popcorn all over the chapel, these words just falling down on the family, and that is what a eulogy is.

00:34:20.416 --> 00:34:22.440
It's good words about someone.

00:34:22.981 --> 00:34:55.302
And so when they say, well, she was beautiful, she was amazing, she was funny, she was selfless, she was talented, whatever, and then you feel the room relax and everyone is like, oh, oh, wow, we're doing this, this is participatory, this is like a big living room, we are doing this, and and so, and then people start to get the freedom to put their tongue in their cheek and say things like well, she was kind of stubborn, or she was sassy, or she was spoken not spoken, or she was opinionated, or she was ornery or whatever.

00:34:55.302 --> 00:34:59.335
And with that, like I said, it's a little bit like a roast.

00:34:59.335 --> 00:35:02.307
People are chuckling, but they know that they love you.

00:35:02.327 --> 00:35:07.001
I don't want to tell you one of my best, my favorite definitions of grief and grief that I've heard just a few weeks ago.

00:35:07.001 --> 00:35:18.085
It said grief is love with no place to go, and I think that's so accurate because I still have all this love for this person, but the target is missing.

00:35:18.085 --> 00:35:19.914
Now the target is not there.

00:35:19.914 --> 00:35:36.547
And so if we just have a traditional funeral where people are reading off an obituary plastic-like very flatly, and then saying somber words and everything, everybody just feels that despair crushes their chest.

00:35:36.547 --> 00:35:45.625
But when they can express that love about that person out loud and everything, that is like a release valve.

00:35:45.625 --> 00:35:52.824
And so the third question and I'll hurry the third one is what's one of your favorite memories of charity?

00:35:53.289 --> 00:35:59.121
And it could be a general memory, like Sherlock taking pictures with her, or I'll never forget the time that this happened.

00:36:01.751 --> 00:36:03.371
And I didn't get to see her that much.

00:36:03.371 --> 00:36:06.634
I only saw her once, but we'd even hang out.

00:36:06.634 --> 00:36:13.818
I think we might have said hi to each other, but it was calling on the phone was our friendship?

00:36:13.818 --> 00:36:25.266
So I remember she did something really stupid, really really, really stupid, and I had to backtrack you did what?

00:36:25.266 --> 00:36:32.420
And she's like I know, I know, and I was just like no, analyze this with me, and she goes okay.

00:36:32.420 --> 00:36:35.273
So we would go through talks like this.

00:36:35.273 --> 00:36:39.701
But it was one of the memories that actually stand out.

00:36:39.701 --> 00:36:42.452
You never knew what was going to come out of her mouth.

00:36:42.452 --> 00:36:46.722
So but I wish I could tell more about that one, but I can't.

00:36:48.411 --> 00:36:54.494
Well, and that's you did good, though I mean, and I'm telling you this is where a lot of the laughter comes from.

00:36:54.494 --> 00:37:02.769
A great deal of the laughter, because when you ask somebody what's one of your favorite memories, it's usually when something silly happened, Many times when the crazy happened.

00:37:02.769 --> 00:37:09.382
The first time I used this this very question was with a lady who had lost her husband of 26 years and he died very suddenly.

00:37:09.382 --> 00:37:17.929
It was very unexpected and she was in my arrangement office just hours it hadn't even been 24 hours after he had passed.

00:37:17.929 --> 00:37:30.443
And so when I was asking these questions and I got to what's one of your favorite memories of your husband, I was anticipating some romantic trip, some kind of a, maybe a cruise or their honeymoon or whatever.

00:37:30.965 --> 00:37:36.873
Yeah, but the very first thing that fell out of her mouth and I mean just this quick she said well, we've got a really steep driveway.

00:37:36.873 --> 00:37:38.521
And I thought, ok, where is this going?

00:37:38.521 --> 00:37:49.076
And she said I once watched my husband ride an office chair out the garage and down the driveway and across the street just to see if he could do it, and so you got a big grin on your face.

00:37:49.076 --> 00:37:56.601
You don't even know this guy, you have no, I don't know, but it is I do something stupid like that too, so I'm not the only one

00:37:57.324 --> 00:38:09.262
yes and so, and it took me seven seconds to say that, but if I repeat that story, in a room full of his friends, full of people, though, he's a hold my beer kind of guy like hey, y'all watch this.

00:38:09.262 --> 00:38:14.302
Yeah, they were holding their sides, they were rocking back and forth in their chairs.

00:38:14.302 --> 00:38:18.574
I mean laughing, yes, tears in their eyes.

00:38:18.574 --> 00:38:27.804
They were laughing because and so stories I can collect several memories like that and be able to share several of them in a span of three or four minutes.

00:38:27.804 --> 00:38:39.550
And so the fourth question, about charity, and this might be tougher because you didn't know her for a long time, but did you learn anything from her that you would say this is a life lesson?

00:38:39.550 --> 00:38:44.222
I probably want to do more of this because of her, or something that she always did.

00:38:46.092 --> 00:39:05.222
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I didn't learn the lesson yet and I hear her, even though she's gone, the one thing if I ever went to do karaoke, she always got mad that I chose fireball as my shot choice.

00:39:05.664 --> 00:39:07.226
Okay, she's right.

00:39:08.271 --> 00:39:21.313
And she was like it has oh, I forgot what she called in alcohol, and it's bad for you and it's going to kill you and you're going to do this, and this is what's what is wrong with you, nadine.

00:39:21.313 --> 00:39:22.355
Don't ever drink.

00:39:22.355 --> 00:39:24.038
Fireball on my clock.

00:39:24.038 --> 00:39:27.164
Oh my gosh, uh, it feels like she's here right now.

00:39:27.164 --> 00:39:32.742
Yeah well, I haven't listened oh, it has like.

00:39:33.023 --> 00:39:33.545
What did she say?

00:39:33.545 --> 00:39:33.965
It's like the.

00:39:33.965 --> 00:39:35.431
Uh, it's got like antifreeze in it.

00:39:35.431 --> 00:39:38.219
It is some awful chemical in a freeze.

00:39:38.219 --> 00:39:39.322

Jason Harris on Honoring Loved Ones

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