Aug. 11, 2024
From Trauma to Triumph with Sue Bowles
How does one navigate the treacherous waters of trauma to find hope and healing on the other side? Join us for an intimate conversation with Sue Bowles, a childhood rape survivor who defied the odds to become a beacon of resilience and inspiration. Sue takes us through the harrowing experiences that reshaped her life, revealing the emotional and psychological battles she fought to reclaim her sense of self. Through her candid storytelling, Sue underscores the essential role of therapy and the complex ways trauma alters the brain.
Sue's journey didn't stop at overcoming trauma; it extended into battling eating disorders. We explore her personal struggles with OSFED and how these experiences culminated in her writing a powerful book. The conversation challenges the stereotypes surrounding eating disorders and emphasizes the importance of ongoing therapy. Discover how Sue's commitment to sharing her story has not only aided her own healing but has also empowered others to recognize their potential. From family caregiving to dealing with loss, Sue’s path is a testament to the strength found in shared experiences and mutual support.
As we wrap up, we delve into the transformative power of public speaking and the pursuit of professional milestones. Sue shares her triumph of achieving the ACC credential from the International Coaching Federation, an accomplishment that underscores her dedication to helping others. Listen to practical advice on clear communication, the importance of mentorship, and how storytelling can serve as a therapeutic tool. With aspirations to become a full-time speaker, Sue aims to break mental health stigmas within the Christian community. This episode is a heartfelt celebration of resilience, courage, and the unwavering hope that we can all foster in our lives.
Bridal Shows Inc. Sue's journey didn't stop at overcoming trauma; it extended into battling eating disorders. We explore her personal struggles with OSFED and how these experiences culminated in her writing a powerful book. The conversation challenges the stereotypes surrounding eating disorders and emphasizes the importance of ongoing therapy. Discover how Sue's commitment to sharing her story has not only aided her own healing but has also empowered others to recognize their potential. From family caregiving to dealing with loss, Sue’s path is a testament to the strength found in shared experiences and mutual support.
As we wrap up, we delve into the transformative power of public speaking and the pursuit of professional milestones. Sue shares her triumph of achieving the ACC credential from the International Coaching Federation, an accomplishment that underscores her dedication to helping others. Listen to practical advice on clear communication, the importance of mentorship, and how storytelling can serve as a therapeutic tool. With aspirations to become a full-time speaker, Sue aims to break mental health stigmas within the Christian community. This episode is a heartfelt celebration of resilience, courage, and the unwavering hope that we can all foster in our lives.
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Love & Light - Keep Hope Alive
Chapters
00:03 - Overcoming Trauma and Finding Hope
12:00 - Journey of Recovery and Healing
26:40 - Finding Hope in Desperation
34:56 - Sharing Stories of Healing and Hope
41:34 - Aim for International Coaching Credential
47:17 - Inspirational Speaker Highlight and Recommendations
Transcript
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Hi guys and welcome to Keep Hope Alive podcast.
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We're in season 17, and I'm interviewing a lot of great people, but today we got Sue Bowles with us and, oh my gosh, I can't wait to interview you, sue.
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She is an author, a speaker and an ACC credential coach.
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Yay, I think that's a first one, so I'm very happy.
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But her Amazon bestselling books she'll be sharing with us a little bit later.
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But before we get started, I love doing this Out of the past, let's say 15 years, how many weddings have you been to, sue?
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Goodness, my brain immediately goes to 24 minus 15.
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You try to catch it up.
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I can say with surety at least one my niece's wedding.
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There might have been others that I don't necessarily recall.
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I don't think there were but one.
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One.
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Okay, All right, and I mean maybe she did or didn't.
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But usually when you go to a wedding, if it's at a church or something, you're walking in for the ceremony and there's this thing to sign to let the couple know that you were there.
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What is it that you sign?
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It's a guest book.
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Yes, perfect.
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I win trivia yes.
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It's a trivia.
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I'm going to do trivia day one day.
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So one of our sponsors here is lifeonrecordcom, and what they do instead of a guest book.
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It is a vintage phone, so the guests go in, they pick up this phone and leave their congratulations on your wedding day.
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You can leave a message for a minute, five minutes, 30 minutes, whatever it may be.
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Right next to the phone is a QR code that other people, if they don't want to leave it on that phone as a message, that other people, if they don't want to leave it on that phone as a message, they'll scan it and give them the option to leave a message either before or after the wedding, and not only weddings.
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This phone is amazing.
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You can use it for any event.
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Now, after all these messages come through, they'll either burn it on a 12-inch vinyl record or they have a keepsake speaker that you have to listen back to for years to come.
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Their plans start at $99 and you get the phone number, not the phone.
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You got to return the phone, the phone number, for one year.
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So to find out more information about Life on Record, please visit them at wwwlifeonrecordcom.
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All right, so my first question is who is Sue Bowles?
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It's always a fun question.
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For many, many decades, I cringed at that question because I thought that who I was was what I did.
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So I would list off this whole list of accomplishments and activities.
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And I've learned over time and as we get into things, it'll become more clear that I'm not what I do and even beyond that, I'm not what happened to me and I'm not what I've experienced.
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Who I am is someone who has learned resilience through those things, who has learned how to overcome and how to then believe I matter enough where I can then share that story with others and encourage them and empower them and help them in their journey.
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So who I am is someone who is passionate about helping others, passionate about sharing hope just like you I love the name of your website and someone who believes in others and wants to help them foster their dreams and chase their dreams.
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I want to be for others what others were for me and, in short, that means seeing in others something they may not yet see in themselves and be involved in whatever way that takes to foster that and fan that into flame and then watch them run wild with the hope.
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That's who I am.
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Yes, I love that.
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Yeah, if you can encourage somebody out there with what you've learned and stuff and whether it's how to get through it or find that motivation to accomplish it, you're doing a job well done.
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You're giving that person a lot of hope.
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So, yeah, definitely.
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So, irene, I want to know how you became an author and what made you want to start writing books.
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Wow, that's a loaded question.
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I know I'm really good at loaded questions.
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And it's loaded because of the backstory to it.
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Okay, then let's start with that backstory.
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Okay, yeah, then we'll circle back to the book and everything All right.
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So I'm a childhood rape survivor.
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I was raped by a classmate after school one day when I was in first grade, seven years old, and as if that wasn't enough, I was held against my will for 45 minutes.
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As if that wasn't enough, I bought the lie of my perpetrator when he left and he said don't tell anybody.
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And I didn't for 15 years until my senior year of college.
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So trauma scientifically proven trauma literally rewires your brain and how your brain processes things and the neuropathways of it.
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So I didn't have a chance to be a normal kid.
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Right away from the get-go, at age seven, I went into survival mode and for me that took the form of shutting down emotionally.
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I didn't know what happened that day and, to put a little bit of context, this is early 70s.
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Rape was not on the radar, rape was not in the conversation.
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No one knew to ask anything and I didn't know to tell anything because it just wasn't a topic of conversation.
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So the only and this is one of these things I had to learn in therapy that I did learn in therapy is that the only person who did anything wrong that day was my learn in therapy is that the only person who did anything wrong that day was my perpetrator.
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That is the only person who did anything wrong, nobody else.
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Now you can hear that.
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The undertone to that is that for a long time I blamed myself Shoulda, coulda, woulda, all over myself, and that's some of the stuff I learned in therapy, but I don't want to get too far ahead.
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So between seven and 22, you got 15 formative years grade school, middle school, high school, college, middle school, teenage years are just such an opportunity and a period of growth.
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And my growth was stunted.
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My growth was frozen in a lot of ways.
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Emotionally.
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I was not well at all In between all that.
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I grew up in a dysfunctional home, so there was some things that were said, things that happened that you know happen.
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And over time, you know, my dad's alcoholism came to the forefront.
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Now it's very important for me to say that dad was 33 years sober by the time he passed away in 2022.
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And relationships were restored to something beyond better than what they were before.
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And the alcoholism really didn't start taking place until probably more when I was in college, college and grad school, maybe late high school, college and grad school, maybe late high school but because of the dysfunction in the home, there was just all this emotional stuff that I didn't know what to do with.
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So that started taking the form of becoming depressed.
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Twice I have considered ending my life.
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I've dabbled in cutting before I developed an eating disorder.
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I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, so all these things were in play in my senior year of college.
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I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, so all these things were in play in my senior year of college.
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I'm talking with my Dean of Students.
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I went to Defiance College in Northwest Ohio.
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Ed Highland was my Dean of Students.
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He became my confidant and what I'm about to share I've had the privilege of telling him face-to-face and that was just a life dream come true, because I'm at value, strongly telling someone how they've affected my life.
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So my senior year of college, a couple of years before I graduate, a couple of months before I graduate, ed knew he had a student that was not ready for the workforce.
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So we were meeting every couple of weeks and he gave me homework assignments.
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So one day we're going over this homework assignment.
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I can't tell you to this day what the question was, what the homework assignment was, and I'm staring at the weave of his carpet and all I remember is saying well, when society tells you not to say anything.
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And my voice just trailed off and he paused and he looked at me and said Sue, did your parents hurt you?
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I said no, somebody else.
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Yeah, what happened?
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That was the first time I told my secret.
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I didn't know.
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I had a secret and I didn't know it needed to come out.
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But one way or the other, trauma will find a way out.
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That ended up being the first step to getting out of my prison that I was in for 15 years.
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So fast forward to getting closer to the book.
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A lot of growth, a lot of other stuff in between there Mom and dad divorced after 31 years of marriage, just all kinds of stuff.
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2014,.
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Then back up 2008.
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I'm grieving a friend who passed in 2005.
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I'm grieving as if she passed yesterday.
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All my red flags for my eating disorder started coming up, so my pastor got me in touch with a counselor who's a specialist in dealing with eating disorders.
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So I met with her Her name's Amanda and we ended up spending six years getting me stronger in the present before we could go back to the past, and that's a real important thing.
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Because of everything, I didn't know what a boundary was.
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I didn't know how to speak up for myself.
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I was letting myself be emotionally manipulated and, in some ways, emotionally abused in different situations.
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So I had to learn how to stand up for myself, how to advocate for myself, and some of it was even just acknowledging that some of the things I was experiencing was abuse in different relationships, different situations, different settings, and that alone was hard.
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So, 2014, six years later, a movie comes out called Ragamuffin.
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It's about the life of a late Christian musician, rich Mullins.
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If you've heard the song Awesome God or Step by Step, that's Rich.
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So I watched the movie.
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It's a very hard watch because I related to it so well, the first 20 minutes in particular.
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Later that year, family and friends and producer of the movie decided they're going to do a retreat to continue the conversation about the themes.
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This was also the year that Amanda and I were dealing with the rape for the first time over four decades after it happened.
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So emotions and eating disorders are enemies.
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So my eating disorder is all starting to kick up and I'm trying to deal with this trauma.
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And then I'm watching this crazy movie and something's stirring inside me, so I'm just a torrent of a mess.
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I go to this retreat and one of the themes of that movie was about the masks that we wear and living authentically, and up to this time, I had painted the mask that Sue should go to gal.
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Sue had no problems and if you had something you needed done, you go to Sue.
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Sue had it all together and that was the biggest lie there was.
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So all this was crumbling in around me and I went to this retreat and had a huge, pivotal moment in my life.
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So then, 2015, I start writing my book, I take a break, and what started this book starting to come out of me was I started speaking at the local high school about eating disorders and then I was on staff, but a volunteer was an organization that did eating disorders online support 2016,.
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I'm helping other people struggling with Thanksgiving while I'm struggling myself, to the point that my dietician is calling me on Thanksgiving day and I thought this is really weird, I don't have this figured out and I'm helping somebody else.
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And that was when I realized that I had a story to tell and that what I was going through could help somebody else.
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And that is how the book came apart.
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Huge, huge backstory to it.
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But to understand why that book came and the title of it and what is in that book, that has to be part of the bedrock of the understanding before anybody cracks open that book.
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So I want to make sure I understand when it's an eating disorder.
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It's not getting enough food in, or is it getting too much food?
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or it can be any there are a number of different eating disorders, and the eating disorder I'm in recovery from is called OSFED other specified feeding and eating disorder.
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What that recovery from is called OSFED Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder.
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What that means is that I don't meet all the diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulimia or overeating or binge or any of these other ones.
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There are, I think, 12 or 15 types of different eating disorders out there, so it can be any number of things and the thing is an eating disorder doesn't.
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No one.
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You can't tell someone has an eating disorder by the way they look.
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We may have stereotypes, we may make judgments, but you couldn't tell by the way I looked that I was struggling and that I was restricting to the point that I shut off my hunger and was just snacking.
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So it takes a lot of different things.
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That was part of what I enjoyed so much is sharing my eating disorder journey, to educate about it, to help break those stereotypes and those misunderstandings that there's a lot more to it and men and women are both affected.
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Yeah, definitely, definitely.
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I mean, I would think, even for me.
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After what I've been through, I know I'm malnourished and my stomach is too small so it does not take food in the right way.
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But I had the gastric sleeve and the gastric bypass, but I see myself more of a snacker than wanting a meal all the time and I just I crave fruit and I can get full from fruit, but do I have it all the time?
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No, and it's just the saddest thing, and it used to be.
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After my sleep was the first one.
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I got really sick.
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I couldn't hold food down and your body learns after having the sleep.
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It's like why did I eat Taco Bell?
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This is like dog food, this is so nasty, like who does this?
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But then I ate it again and I was retraining my brain.
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Oh no, this was good, let's try to bring it back.
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And then you know, it's just one of those things.
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It's my new job wrote me well, what do you like to eat?
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And I couldn't even answer that question.
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I just said coffee and hot chocolate.
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That's not eating, that's drinking, but it's food to me.
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It gets me going for the day.
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So it's really hard to explain when you have those kind of issues and stuff.
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But you know, talking about it on your end, dad is so smart and gets this you're helping others, which is amazing the more we talk about mental health in general, the more it becomes normalized.
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How many years ago was that?
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We didn't even talk about breast cancer, I know, and now it's normal.
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It's part of life and part of my.
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My business name is my step ahead and with the tagline you only have to be a step ahead to help the person behind you, that all of us have meaningful life experience.
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Now, every life experience has meaning and it can be used to help somebody else while you still figure it out, just like I did in 2016 when I when I was figuring out how to eat again and still helping encourage other people at the same time that's beautiful.
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I mean, you've been through a whole lot, so, oh my gosh, I mean, and you know, with um I I feel so bad because you know, I know I get other guest speakers who've been through this, you know the right part and everything.
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Everybody's story is a little bit different but it does cause all these different things to happen to you, and it's not only when you're younger.
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It carries through your adulthood and you still feel like you've got to constantly work on yourself.
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So are you finding the more talking and getting this out is helping you with all those I call it in the brain, the back side, like are you able to get that out and work on it?
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Yes, I am still working with Amanda and it's been 16 and a half years now and I don't say that with any shame, because life happens and there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a counselor for however long long you need to see a counselor.
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Because in the middle of the stuff we were dealing with, mom passed away and then I had to figure out who I was, because I was mom's caregiver for the last eight years of her life, and then this whole identity thing and then dealing, you know, having to come to grips with.
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it's okay to have freedom of movement and not feel guilty about that and it was okay to, as I grieve to realize that I'm allowed to keep living my life and there's all these things that until you go through it you don't fully understand.
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And then I had two surgeries on my foot in 11 months and in between that my dad died.
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Life happens.
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So I have no shame saying I'm still with Amanda.
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I treasure her involvement in my life, so that certainly helps deal with things.
00:18:38.300 --> 00:19:07.388
Yes, in addition, sharing my story the best part of speaking when I'm doing classrooms or universities or conferences or workshops or whatever are the one-on-ones afterwards or people come up to the merch table and and they start sharing their story that's the best part, because then I know that that something I said connected me talking about the power of story for me.
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I had the courage to start sharing my story because Simone Biles shared hers and if there is ever an opportunity to tell her that personally, I'm praying for that day, because when she came forward with her story and so many others that were involved in that as well, it gave me permission and that was very freeing, because then, as the power of a secret keeps us locked up, you know your show's name is Keeping Hope Alive.
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Keeping hope alive, and when we have secrets.
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We feel very hopeless because when we have those secrets our self-talk really starts going off the rails of what's someone going to think about me?
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What if I'm found out?
00:19:53.704 --> 00:19:59.726
These are all things that went through my head when I was in the dining hall when my eating disorder developed.
00:19:59.726 --> 00:20:08.593
I was afraid that I was going to get found out that Sue had a need if she went up for a second serving of food because I had painted the picture that I had no needs.
00:20:08.593 --> 00:20:22.875
So the more we talk about our stories, the more it helps get us out of our own head and start silencing some of those fears of the opinion of others having to face the hard truths.
00:20:22.875 --> 00:20:24.525
What about this?
00:20:24.525 --> 00:20:27.984
What's someone going to think?
00:20:27.984 --> 00:20:29.528
What's somebody going to say?
00:20:29.528 --> 00:20:31.556
How am I going to deal with this?
00:20:31.556 --> 00:20:36.868
The first step is saying something to somebody, because you can't walk that road alone.
00:20:36.868 --> 00:20:39.541
You can, but you're not going to get where you want to go.
00:20:40.324 --> 00:20:59.017
There are people who have the encouragement, the hope and, most of all, there are people who have the encouragement, the hope and, most of all, the training to carry the load for you and with you until you're strong enough to carry it for yourself.
00:20:59.017 --> 00:20:59.959
Yes, well said, well said.
00:20:59.959 --> 00:21:13.705
And it takes that first initial step to do that and say, hey, this is what happened, you know.
00:21:13.705 --> 00:21:13.806
Um?
00:21:13.806 --> 00:21:20.842
So when family members hear what have happened, you know to you and your did, they stand up for you too and give you that support to help you move along.
00:21:21.663 --> 00:21:21.923
Yes.
00:21:21.923 --> 00:21:31.488
Now, part of the story is that because I kept a secret 15 years it was even longer before I even told anybody else.
00:21:31.488 --> 00:21:34.300
For the longest time my family did not know.
00:21:34.300 --> 00:21:40.582
Quite frankly, some of my family found out right before my book came out, because I told them that you need to know.
00:21:40.582 --> 00:21:42.403
This is what's coming out.
00:21:42.403 --> 00:21:49.169
You know, but and not once has there been judgment, not once has there been.
00:21:49.169 --> 00:21:54.515
Don't say that, if anything, my family has been like I did not know.
00:21:54.515 --> 00:22:00.258
And I applaud you and keep going because you deserve healing.
00:22:01.586 --> 00:22:05.936
And you know, in the book, in the book's name, is this Much I Know, the Space Between.
00:22:05.936 --> 00:22:07.211
I'm going to hold it up for your viewers.
00:22:07.211 --> 00:22:08.147
This is what it looks like.
00:22:08.147 --> 00:22:09.989
Right there there's a lighthouse on the cover.
00:22:09.989 --> 00:22:14.374
I love lighthouses and the whole concept behind this.
00:22:14.374 --> 00:22:20.313
This Much I Know is my story, because all of us have a story that no one can take from us.
00:22:20.313 --> 00:22:28.394
And the second half is the Space Between, is the healing journey that God took me on to get from where I was to where I am now.
00:22:28.394 --> 00:22:39.534
But the first thing I put in the acknowledgments is thanking my family, because part of my story is part of their story and all of them have a copy of this.
00:22:39.534 --> 00:22:55.590
My sister actually wrote a review for it on Amazon and they have been nothing but encouraging and cheering me on, not only to find my healing, but then to make something come of it where I can help others find theirs.
00:22:56.633 --> 00:22:58.798
Yeah, definitely, definitely.
00:22:58.798 --> 00:23:10.040
Because if you know for somebody who's been through this, if they still stay quiet it will just eat them later on in life too.
00:23:10.040 --> 00:23:13.287
And you know it could be different things.
00:23:13.287 --> 00:23:34.142
If a woman went through it she got pregnant, never said anything it could affect everything, because babies know they can feel the mom's energy and, you know, just looking back at the family part of it when they're not knowing how were you treated through there?
00:23:34.142 --> 00:23:40.932
So I know depression comes with this and just people in general.
00:23:40.932 --> 00:23:48.560
What would be the if somebody was listening right now and they didn't say anything to their family yet?
00:23:48.560 --> 00:23:49.905
What would you tell them?
00:23:51.367 --> 00:23:52.509
I would say they don't have to.
00:23:52.509 --> 00:23:57.358
There's no pressure to tell your story to your family.
00:23:57.358 --> 00:24:03.355
It is your story and you are in charge of who you share it with Now.
00:24:03.355 --> 00:24:16.351
At the same time, I would strongly encourage you to tell it to a counselor or a pastor or someone you trust, because the story needs to be told.
00:24:16.351 --> 00:24:26.196
You can't if you keep just like just like Natalie said if you keep it to yourself, it will eat yourself alive in any number of different ways.
00:24:26.698 --> 00:24:44.375
There's a heavy book called the Body Keeps the Score and it talks about how trauma is stored in the body and we don't realize that the story needs to be told and it's up to you who you want to trust that to.
00:24:44.375 --> 00:24:46.913
It doesn't have to be the family.
00:24:46.913 --> 00:24:49.290
Sometimes that is not a safe thing to do.
00:24:49.290 --> 00:24:54.374
But find a safe person and I would put this out there now.
00:24:54.374 --> 00:25:09.877
If you don't know where to turn, I would be honored if you turn to me and I can help you in maybe something beyond what I'm qualified to coach you through, but I can still listen to your story and then help you find the resources that might be appropriate.
00:25:11.144 --> 00:25:35.651
That's amazing and you know, with Keep Hope Alive, if you want to call our number to get in contact with her as well, you can always call 833-780-HOPE, which is 4673, I believe, but definitely, and I'm going to have all your stuff submitted on this show and how to reach out, which is amazing.
00:25:35.651 --> 00:25:52.260
So you know, of course I'm diving into these things because I want people to know and I know it's a hard topic all the time and I hope you'll just educate me on this.
00:25:52.260 --> 00:26:07.257
When it comes to trying to hurt yourself, like suicide, can you explain the thought process and what makes your body actually try to attempt it?
00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:21.429
That is a heavy question and let me put out here first of all that I have not attempted, so I cannot speak from personal experience in that regard.
00:26:21.429 --> 00:26:24.755
I have had thoughts, I have had contemplations.
00:26:24.755 --> 00:26:29.109
I have not acted on them, so I want to put that out there.
00:26:29.109 --> 00:26:40.307
Anything else I would share about that aspect of things would not be from personal experience, just be from education and reading and those kinds of things.
00:26:40.307 --> 00:27:03.454
What I can say is that and I'm going to speak very generally, generally speaking, when someone gets to the point of self-harm in whatever form that takes because I have, I've done a little bit of cutting, I have overused alcohol, alcoholism runs in my family.
00:27:03.615 --> 00:27:07.891
I was close to becoming an alcoholic and I stopped and I haven't drank since.
00:27:07.891 --> 00:27:15.396
But when someone gets to that point but even my eating disorder, my eating disorder is a form of self-harm.
00:27:15.396 --> 00:27:19.394
Eating disorders are an addiction just like anything else.
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The only different, the main difference, is that other addictions you have to avoid the issue to survive.
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